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Read this if you're on your period

Good day to you, sister. HA. This ain't a fucking good day, this is a fucking awful day. (N.B. I'm currently crying and raging because I'm having to rewrite this blog post. It seems my computer somehow knew that I'm on my period and wanted to motherfucking test me.) If you're reading this, then I assume you are in the midst of the monthly bloodbath, the bloodbath being the result of you stabbing a hundred people because they were just acting like fucking twats (in your mind, hopefully. This is a blog of peace.) What? You thought I meant bloodbath as in period bloodbath? Of course not. A period is simply the result of your flower blossoming every 28 days (or however many fucking days because mine seems to switch shit up every month. Ugh, the cramps have started, period must be on its way soon. Ok, why have 5 days passed and nothing? Fuck wasting all these pads. Gonna put my normal underwear back on. BOOM. Are you fucking SERIOUS?) Ok, as much as the idea of my uterus being a flower is enough to make me vomit, periods are not all doom and gloom. Well, they kinda are, but hormones are sneaky and like to cloud our judgement (fucking dickheads.) I'm going to remind you of some key things, so read on. #1 LIFE IS FULL OF SAD THINGS SO USE THIS TIME TO BE SAD. Hun, the world is a deeply messed up place. A lot of fucking shit goes on, and that shit is sad. Your period seems to bring all the gloom and darkness to light (wow, so much symbolism there, I can't even) but in reality, there are probably more positive things happening on our little planet than negative. Maybe. I'm not sure, I mean, I have no statistics, but take it as gospel either way. Use this time to be sad. Yes, children dying in Aleppo is horrific, as is rape, as is the near extinction of multiple animal species across the world. SHIT IS SAD. #2 DON'T THINK YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT. As much as you may think horrific shit is happening everywhere, may I remind you that you are not horrific shit. You may look and feel like it, but you're not. This is a fucking phase, bitch. #3 EAT SHIT. Your body is trying to repair the lining of a major organ. You need calories for that shit. Don't be sad, then eat, then be sad for eating and then eat more and be more sad. I dunno...just fucking eat. #4 GO WITH THE FLOW (PUN INTENDED) Everyone is different, as cliche as that sounds. You have to listen to your body (omg, stop, Rhiannon.) Your best friend is Gut Instinct. Who better to trust than her? (STOP) Sometimes when I'm on my period - because my emotions are all over the place - it makes me more creative. Maybe that's the case for you, and if so, use that to your advantage. If you're the opposite and you just feel 100% unmotivated during your period and feel like your life is a joke, then just go with that. Wanna eat a whole tub of ice cream? Stuff your face. The thought of going out tonight and socialising with ten people seem like the stuff of nightmares? Don't fucking go. The thought of going back to work on Monday seem like stepping back into the gates of hell? Quit your job (ok, maybe not, unless you got a lousy job. In that case you probs need to reevaluate your life) #5 IT'S A FUCKING PHASE, BITCH. How many times have you done this before? And how many times will you do it again? Maybe don't think about that actually, as it's quite depressing...but anyway, this is temporary. See it as recharging your batteries. Every month you gotta hibernate for 5 days and be a weak little bitch, and then BOOM. You're back, winning at life. #6 HAVING A PERIOD MEANS YOU'RE FERTILE AND THAT IS QUITE SUPERB. You have the ability to make a baby and that is fantabulous. Maybe you don't want a baby...if so, that's annoying as you'll have to deal with this for the next 40 years! But oh well, the possibility is there. You're a fucking magician. #7 YOU'RE A BOSS. Think of how many women throughout history that have achieved great things. They more than likely did a lot of shit on their period. So if they can do things whilst bleeding, so can you. Men can't, but you can. What a fucking boss you are. That's it from me. Read this on your next period if you need a fucking reality check. Bye for now.

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